Can you have it all?
At one of my first jobs I had an amazing mentor. She once told me there’s no such thing as having it all. You can only successfully have two out of the three. A career & kids, a career & a husband, a husband & kids. I remember thinking, “yeah sure, that won’t be the case for me”, but as I get older I understand a little more what she meant. Balancing it all is HARD.
And if I am being honest with myself when I looked around and saw some of the most successful people in the game - they didn’t have all three. On the flip side, I saw people ditching the height of their careers to live what I thought at the time was smaller lives in small towns and start families. I didn’t understand either option.
But then I set out on this crazy reporting journey, which can be lonely and grueling. You end up in places where you don’t know anyone, you have impossible working schedule and expectations, for almost little to no money. With that said, you are trying to move up and on as fast as as possible. Because of all those factors, most of my relationships have been long distance for a period of time, and inevitably they ended because I wouldn’t budge and move to my significant other, or I took the next step in my career instead which required me to move and start over again. My career has always been so important to me. It was, it is, a part of me. It gives me independence, freedom, and creativity. I know a lot of people don’t understand that. Sometimes I don’t either, but it fulfills me. There’s something about being a reporter: adrenaline rush, storytelling, getting to know people. It becomes an addiction. I really love it.
When I met my now boyfriend who I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with—my career trajectory has gotten more than complicated. Making choices isn’t as easy as getting up and leaving, and starting anew again, because now I am responsible for uprooting my boyfriend’s life.
Make no mistake there’s still guilt put on my shoulders for being a woman and wanting a career and a family. You’d think by now it would be a norm. We’ve come a long way, but clearly not far enough. The amount of times I have been asked by loved ones “when am I settling down?”, “You can’t keep picking up and moving forever?”, “when are you ready to just call it quits?”, “when will you have a normal life?”, “when are you getting married?”, “when are you having kids?”. It’s exhausting. What they don’t realize when they ask is I’m already thinking about those things. Obviously. Like clearly I see careers and families are hard to balance. I am ambitious not dense. So the questions just add to the chaos. Also, it’s not right or genuine to just get married and start a family because people want you too.
Not only that but as much as I’d like to ignore that women have a ticking biological clock it’s a reality. While raising a human literally scares me half to death, I don’t want the choice to be taken away from me before I can decide what I want.
There’s also heartbreak in this career. When you set out to have achieved certain milestones at a certain age—and then nothing goes as planned, it’s sent me into a downward spiral at times. It’s hard to just let it go, especially when there’s so many sacrifices made: failed relationships, friendships lost, family moments missed, holidays passed without being able to come home. When I write it out it’s hard to imagine that I even have enough ambition and love for what I do to endure all that hardship. Also, on my deathbed is anyone really going to care about the work I did as a reporter? Or is my niece just going to remember that Auntie Cassy wasn’t around enough to really get to know her?
I really don’t want all the sacrifice to be all for not, and that may be a huge reason I refused to give up. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it all. I could conquer it all. The real question is at what price?
So we are back to our initial question, can you have it all? Not the Instagram version of having it all, but actually having all the parts of your life filled with joy? I don’t know. If you were to ask me right now, right this second, I would say no. But I hope someday soon I can say yes.
